I’m no runway model from Paris (although don’t say that to my face), but I still know what looks ugly from what doesn’t. I will be reviewing current “fashion trends” that grind my gears, so you just take a seat, kick back and listen. And remember, don’t hate, appreciate.
Remember in kindergarten we learned our colours, and when we used paint to make gigantic blobs in different colours and labeled them in their corresponding names? Remember how you learned the differences between colours like blue, and green, and red? Well I’m just curious what fucking grade some of these kids got in kindergarten when they couldn’t establish white from yellow. In case you’re wondering, white hair is not blonde, white hair is your grandma. When some of these girls dye their hair blonde, what goes through their mind? “Hmm, I wonder which box of hair dye I should buy… golden-sun blonde, ash-blonde, or Great Grandma Gertrude white-as-hell?” You people look ridiculous, everyone knows that shit is not natural, and I really do appreciate your hella-black roots coming in and staring me down like Chuck Norris would if you tell him he kicks like a slice of Jell-O, making it a really awkward event looking at you. Let me give you some fucking advice: I’m not sure if you want people to know you dye your hair, but the skunk tail of root is a tell-a-tale giveaway. Another tip: if you put your hair up in a ponytail and it cracks off, you should be letting up on the peroxide, and maybe switching to a more natural colour, like Screaming Banshee Purple. Jesus, you might as well wear a sign that says “I’m Easy”, but don’t even bother because you do have white hair in your early 20’s. Don’t you worry I’m sure geriatrics will find you attractive, I’ll post the number to the old folks home just in case ;) 905-555-ugly
Tights sans Pants
I know most of you won’t know what sans means, it means without. When you wear no pants, that doesn’t mean you are sexy, that means you are committing a felony. Tights are not a pants substitute, they are not the soya-milk of pants, and they don’t come in a variety of delicious and protein rich alternatives. When you are walking and it looks like your ass is nom nom nom-ing your pants, this means that A) You should be wearing pants B) your pant replacements are way too tight and C) it makes your ass look bigger, not better. I totally get if you had a late night, woke up in someone else’s house, and couldn’t find your pants, forcing you to come to school in pseudo hallway walk of shame. I understand if your skirt or shorts (heaven forbid you’re wearing shorts over these things) ripped on the bus, or you sat in mustard/gum/the brown stuff sticking to the edge of the bus seats, and you feel that it is your civil duty to rid yourself of the violating clothing. But what I don’t get is you waking up in the morning saying, “God knows that I don’t need to wear pants today, because my ass looks da bomb.” It doesn’t, please stop; Cottage cheese style asses are never in fashion. As a side note, stop wearing your salt stained, ugly winter boots with them in the summertime! It doesn’t make sense! Are you hot or are you cold? Make up your freaking mind!
I’m not leaving men out of this. Listen, I know you want to pull off a casual, half Johnny Depp and half Matthew Machoney, I just woke up kind of look. I understand that maybe an iron isn’t exactly the best idea when your motor skills are not in regular attendance in the mornings. Sometimes I even understand that people DO sleep in their clothes after homemade tequila poppers and jalapeño pepper eating contests the night before. What I don’t get is why you don’t get up and put something else on before you come into a populated area. If everything you own is wrinkly then throw them in the god damned dryer for 5 minute! Also, I understand the need to be labeled the ‘cool’, ‘dirt-off-the-shoulder’ guy who doesn’t care what people think about him, but let’s be serious here… if you are wearing a purple shirt, blue pants, green shoes, a red sweater and a yellow hat I want to know where the Pride parade is at. Bottom line: if you look like you got dressed in the dark, that’s not ‘college chic’ that’s just fucking stupid. You are not any cooler dressing like an r-tard. Ps: one should only pull off the beach bum Matthew Machoney look if you have a 6 pack… and I mean on your abs and not in your cooler. And do your hair in the morning for chrissake, If I make the effort to look presentable you should too!
Don’t Sweat in Hairy Situations
I’m going to level with you, if you’re a dark haired guy (or girl, I’m not going to discriminate here), a sweeping generalization tells me that chances are very good that you’re a hairy and sweaty person. That’s cool, I know people sweat, it’s healthy. You go to the gym chances are that you are a sweaty mess afterwards. You are riding on the bus for 25 minutes with 600 other people and you are involved in a sticky jumble of bodies, you might be a little perspired. But when you are sitting in a seminar room and I can spot the huge South American shaped sweat stain on your chest, I’m curious as to what kind of mental activities you are putting yourself through to Jedi mind trick your body into thinking its working out. If you know you sweat a lot please don’t wear grey, it’s like a flare is going off and pointing at your armpits. With summertime so close to being here, chances are if you’re like me you enjoy a nice pair of shorts or capri’s to take advantage of the nice weather. If I see a girl wearing capri’s and legs that look like they participated in a hair transplant from a Sasquatch, that’s passing the line in social decency. If your hair is so thick, and so luxurious you feel like showing it off please do so in France, because that is nasty. Guys, if you like wearing v-neck shirts, please make sure that if your chest looks like it needs to be weed-whacked it’s done before the hair explodes out of your shirt like a 4th grade volcano experiment at the science fair. Nair costs like $5, don’t forget to watch out for the ingrown hairs! Welcome to our world, jerks.