31 December, 2009

Introducing Ask Clover

Happy New Years jerks. I am going to try a little something called Ask Clover, it is like Dear Abby only you are asking a young good looking person, and what you are getting is an answer equivalent to a violent punch in the face. I don't even know why I bothered telling you, I'm going to do it anyways; whoever has the blog makes the rules after all.

While trolling for questions on forums, (because for some reason nobody wants my advice and thus doesn't ask me much else other than to pass the salt) I came upon this little gem that I SWEAR to you, I did not make up or alter in any way. Warning: this question defies all logic and is actually, actually, the most fucking ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I will now cut and paste to support its authenticity.

Beginning (So you know where the idiocy starts)

Only answer if you know about this. No rude answers or really j*erky answers
I really believe spells can work and I really want to do spells for what I am asking. But I want a spell where I dont need candles or any props. Thanks.

(1) Is there a spell I can use to make my cousins forget about an email I sent them and we can be on good terms again. One of my male cousins is 58 but having sex with a 32 year old and this is hurting his daughter. I got mad at him and had a fight about this with him and then involved his oldest brother and his sister-in-law (his middle brothers wife). I want to make them forget about this email. YES I DID APOLOGIZE BUT I WANT TO DO A SPELL TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS FINE

(2) Is there a spell where I can make this slut stay in her homeland and not come back and stay out of my cousins life.

(3) Is there a spell that I can use on my cousin to hire me in his firm?

(4) Is there a spell that I can use on my cousin to stop his sex addiction? He is obsessed with sex and I think it is ruining his life and it could jeopardise his career - he owns a company with his other brothers but this sex addiction will ruin his career and family life


End (It is over... I'm sorry)

I just want to point out I don’t even know what to say, still. I will try to answer this question as seriously as she asked it.

Do you have a phone? Pick it up. Call Bette Midler. Now, from what I understand, Bette was one of the most powerful witches in that movie with Carrie Bradshaw, about the witches. Even though I don’t condone eating children, most of them are unattractive and this way I can finally have my McDonalds dinners in peace without threat of nose pickers and that one kid who always drops a load in his pants while playing in the ball pit. And his mother, god bless her, ignores him, the yelling, the load, and smell all the while I am trying to enjoy a nice meal sans butt-ugly kids running around like warthogs.

1) Go over to your cousin’s house, walk up to him and use the age old phrase that makes everyone drop to the ground and wake up with no memory: “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”
2) When you say “homeland” you make it seem like she’s not from here. In that case a little anonymous tip to the homeland security office warning them of her insider trading, homemade meth lab, child porn, or assassination plans should do the trick. In case you’re just a moron and meant “homeland” like… house, then just leave Viagra pills on the counter, ED pamphlets on the table, and a “Homosexual’s guide to converting to women” on the night stand.
3) Send in a resume?
4) Lace the inside of his blow up doll with tacks. I don’t know a more effective way. The only thing the sex addiction will hurt is his wiener when it gets chaffed; otherwise you’re seriously making up things in your head.

You’re welcome.

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