29 December, 2009

Parking lot Pandemonium

Let me break it down for you, picture this:

It's December 29th, a few days after Xmas and you would assume the fruit and nut cake induced chaos has gone down a little. Granted people are still returning all their crap and whatever, and it comes down to just how many Tickle-Me-Elmos you really need. So being somewhat of a mall connoisseur I enjoy hunting for bargains and red tags just as much as the next free-from-debt 23 year old (and sometimes the in debt ones, let’s not judge). I frequent my mall often, never paying full price for fear it is just another fat-free yogurt I have taken out of my fridge at home and into my Visa card.

I have hot Upper Canada mall date plans tomorrow so I decided to brave the traffic and proverbial asphalt jungle of metal and painted yellow lines to go today to the Vaughan Mills Mall, which is like your 18 year old son’s illegally suped up V-Dub with all the stupid extras (apparently it makes girls take off their pants faster), to the practical, stylish Upper Canada Mall Camry which has all the class and none of the guidos (that’s a selling feature).

I get there and the main road veins to the parking lot looked like an Italian bomb went off, spraying Sicilian shrapnel with ridiculously bad hairdos and spray tans. After being cut off by at least three Cascada pumped vehicles, I was turning right into the main road leaving to the parking lot, waiting for cars to make space for me. Before I say this next part just let me make it clear that I have a vast array of multicultural friends, and I am not prejudice towards any of them because frankly I already know the Irish are at the top and I don’t have to think beyond that.

So some car is coming and is slowing down and has its blinker on to turn right, into the road I’m coming from. Perfect! I start to go, and do my fucking eyes deceive me?! No, they do not because what do you know, two brown guys in their 90’s cavalier decide to just keep driving straight and honk at me like I owe them money. As they are driving by the passenger gives me like a “What the fuck are you doing asshat” kind of look, and I am trying to make a “your blinker was on asshole” –face and motions that came out and must have looked like I was miming churning butter while on the phone. So I pull out right after him and he has his blinker on STILL!!! We pass two more roads where the normal public would assume that he was going to turn right, WRONG AGAIN IDIOT, he did not. Then oh my, what is this, he must have realized his blinker was on and turned it off. Oh to be a fly on that car wall. If I was any less of a lady I would have followed that guy and stuck his tires.

And if this was GTA Vice City I would have crashed my red Corolla into them, got out and opened their car door, grabbing the driver and repeatedly punching him in the face with my practical iron knuckles. When the ambulance comes I will flamethrower the EMS team, steal the ambulance and run over the passenger. And people say video games beget violence, they’re off their nut, assholes.

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