Ok so basically I have a long list of things that bug me; little things, big things... all sorts of things. This list will be funny but also TRUE therefore making me shake my head in confusion that these things actually are happening.
Not calling when they say they will
Seriously people. This isn’t hard. If you say you will call me tonight, I expect a call. This isn’t something you say in passing by, ‘give you a call sometime!’ which I know most of you do, thinking this is the easiest way to get rid of this asshole before he tries to invite me to another one of his cat’s birthday parties. If you have no intention of calling me, you say ‘oh look, I have to be going now’, or ‘looks I’m being called for another secret mission’ which will be more believable then “I’ll give you a call”... friggin liar. Case in point: if you aren't going to call, don’t say that shit, or I will spend another night home alone watching Ally McBeal reruns while waiting for you to call so I can tell you I’m busy so you will think I’m cool and popular. Simple.
Ok so I don’t hate kids, but I was in Costco yesterday and was bombarded in the book aisle with a barrage of annoying brats. Parents who are carting these kids around in shopping buggies like puppies while ‘standing firm’ like her therapist suggested while her kid throws a fit because she won’t buy him the new Martha Stewart book he randomly found, picked up and decided he wanted, because the picture on the front looks like daddy’s secretary that comes over and brings him toys on Tuesdays while mommy vists ‘Uncle’ Bill. If your kid constantly is pressing the button on a plastic Xmas tree that sings Jingle Bells, and you are not slapping that child in the face, especially while I’m trying or get my read on with the new Twilight book so I don’t have to pay for it, that logic is retarded. Kids should not be in stores touching things. Then I have to touch whatever their snot encrusted fingers have molested while their other hand is up their nose picking lint from their brain. If I'm trying to walk down an aisle and I have to kick 3 kids out from under my legs, that is 3 too many and 3 times more fun than I would have at home stalking and ganking Alliance assholes on Warcraft. Well, maybe the same amount of fun.
Women Drivers.. and Men Drivers.
I understand I’m a woman, and someone else mentioned this too, but some women are fucking insane. Ok some men are too. There’s two kinds of drivers: “I have no idea where I’m going so I’m going to slow down/stop/fix my hair in the mirror/look for that lifesaver I just dropped in the middle of a parking lot or road. Seriously bitch, you can’t drive in the middle of the fucking parking lot, there’s one side for going up and one side forgoing down. Then when you stop in the middle with your blinker on waiting for a guy who hasn’t even got to his car yet, while I can’t get around you or back up because you have created a toxic metal backlog, there is an issue here. Guys are a pain in the ass too. I’m trying to drive, you decide to drive in the lane that is ending, 20 meters behind us was a sign that said it was ending. You decide to drive up beside me slowly while the lane ends, now driving on the shoulder with your blinker on giving me the finger while I waited in the car line up to get here 6 minutes ago... fuck you. You wait in the back of the line like everyone else. Ohh, never mind, I see you drive a Sebring convertible. You must be filthy rich, in a midlife crisis, and deserve a spot because you piss excellence in the mornings. Seriously... a Sebring? I should be pushing you off the road in my Toyota you dumb fuck, you don’t have a privilege to act like a dumbfuck, let alone be one beside my car. A convertible Sebring with a licence plate that should have read “when I started to get bald and fat I couldn’t afford a real convertible, and all my wife would let me pick was this light blue longass fucking car. It has no roof therefore I'm awesome.” Negative.
That’s right I said it. You guys are stupid. You buy overpriced computers that don’t even stand up to performance of their PC price equivalents. ‘That Mac ad on Tv sure made it look like people who buy Apple products are cool and hip! Maybe I should buy one! Who cares I’m buying into an image that doesn’t even make sense!’ The IPhone doesn’t even have a video camera!?!?! There were phones for a fraction of that price with a video camera 3 years ago! 2 mega pixels?! The Nokia N95 had 8! EIGHT! And that was out a year before IPhone, and its predecessor had 5! Which was out 2 years before that. You are not hip for paying $100 for an Ipod then another brand of MP3 player with the same specs. Did you know we have 80 Ipods return for servicing a WEEK? Do you know how many times that shit breaks? How do you feel whole as a person after bending over for the $40 Ipod belt clip that you just bought? Many of Mac’s computers can’t even be upgraded, and technology is only new for at most 6-8 months. “Macs never crash or get viruses!” You’re an idiot, please do some research. 99% of Windows crashes are based from badly coded third party software, and has nothing to do with Windows. 2% of the computer using population use Macs... why would anyone bother to go through the trouble of making and implementing a virus to something no one uses. Also, hello it’s called Intel; it’s the best in the world. You finally realize using your own parts maybe not the best idea.
Annoying Kiosk people at malls
I swear to Jesus if you people don’t leave me alone I will knock all the shit off your rolling cart. If I’m walking by in the middle of a conversation, the best thing that could happen to me at that moment would be to be interrupted to be asked if I want to try their hair straightener when my hair is already straight. What the hell is the point of that? Or if my hair is curly... Why do I want one chunk straight? I don’t, because if I wanted it straight I would have done it myself. I was at the mall my friend and I were hijacked by some sleazy Israeli guy trying to sell us sea salt moisturizer. Every time we tried to leave he would yell at us to come back, and say stuff like “I said it would only take two minutes... try this” while putting a gob of shit on her palm. Listen asshole, if I wanted to try your stupid product I would have stopped here on my own accord, which I did not. I’m sorry you failed out of school to end up as a sample guy for some lame ass girdle for old women company. If I wanted to try out the girdles I would order them online because it is too embarrassing of a chance to take to be seen near you right now with your slicked back hair and orangle-glo uneven spray-on tan in December. And to those bitches with the hair straightener: if I said no once,I meant it. When I walk by again I am not that persons evil doppelganger twin, I am the same god damned person who said no last time. “Oh ho ho, ha ha, maybe I WILL try some of your ceramic straightener, what’s that you say? You say it costs $400? What a deal.”
You heard me. I hate that Oscar Mayer asshole. Did you know they fill those gut tubes with mechanically separated meats? Do you know what that is? Basically they take the good meat like the butt, and thigh area and sell that shit then they take all the leftovers which might be pigs feet, chicken beaks, cow ears, tails, leftover pieces of meat that fell out of the dead cow onto the floor that is swept up by Jose the janitor and dumped into a bucket. Then that nasty paste is squeeze into hot dogs; a la Oscar Mayer and his wieners. What’s funny is I’m eating a hot dog right now but what is not allowing me to throw it up is the fact that they aren't miniature. Miniature things are creepy, haven’t you seen CSI? Also those little pack of raisins you get in there is moms way of flipping you the bird to ensure you have a crappy recess while everyone else’s moms loved them enough to put Fruit by the Foot in there for them. “Hey Billy, you want to come and pla--- Wait a minute are those fucking RAISINS?! Get out of here.”And that’s how Billy was extradited from the playground and grew up to be a 43 year old assistant supervisor-in-training at Subway as a Sandwich Artist while his 16 year old boss squeezes his pimples in the back. PS: The juice they give you in those things is never enough, who is their target market? Newborn babies? Pack a Red Bull in that shit and you guarantee your kid will be punching lunch recess supervisors and starting mutinies against lunchroom helpers in no time. I’m sending this to Kraft, don’t thank me.
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