26 March, 2011

Rebecca Black's Friday - A Scholarly Analysis

 Rebecca Black's Friday - A Scholarly Analysis

Official Music Video

I told myself that I wasn’t going to do this… wasn’t going to jump on the shitty song bandwagon for a chance to whore my site to people. However the indie-anti establishment-tree hugger me that hates selling out never existed, so that’s good. On with the whoring!

Ok so I’m at work: Someone sends a link and says “at least the lyrics aren’t as good as this song.” Right away I had the feeling that my life was about to end. You know that feeling where you know you shouldn’t do something but you do it anyway? And then you realize that was a fucking terrible idea? That was the point I was at. Friends call me Whiskers because I’m curious as a cat, so I clicked the link.

Let me recap to you what my initial thought process was watching this, and I have included the official lyrics and video link above for you to follow along!

For the Photoshop fans out there, you know in Filter settings, where you go to Sketch and it turns your picture into a really shitty imitation of a sketch from someone’s pencil? You know, the “sketch” novelty photos all the 13 year olds have as their Facebook profile photo because it hides their puberty induced acne, bad hairdos, and braces? (Everyone knows what I’m talking about) Basically the beginning of this video has a horrifying Rebecca sketch singing the word “yeah” and “Yeah ah ah ah ark” (Ya… not joking that’s the official lyric). I say horrifying because LOOK AT IT!

This face has given me nightmares for a week. She looks like an old ass lady crossed with Vince Vaughan. Take a look at the right side of her face, her jaw line. WTF is with that, it’s like her jaw is missing, where’s the rest of it?

So the next actual scene we see with her is the part where she wakes up at 7am, and sits up in bed singing. First off, this is a music video not a real life interpretation of life. I understand her hair is supposed to look “bedhead-y”, but let’s just be honest for a second… really? A music video is supposed to make the singer look great at all times. She looks like she stuck a fork in an electrical socket. YET she is wearing eyeliner right out of bed, so where was the art director on that one, make up your mind this isn’t a see-saw. Maybe she was up on an all night bender, who am I to judge.

At this point Rebecca is ready for school and singing from a page of her to-do list. Does anyone else think it is a little weird she says “Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal” like its two separate thoughts? Rebecca can’t go to school until she smokes a bowl and then eats Lucky Charms out of the box and giggles. While she’s singing in her house you can see what looks like her mom screaming at children and her dad going into a drunken rage, with his hands up in the air yelling. Awkward.

Ok so she’s standing in front of the bus stop now, and she sees her friends pull up in a convertible, with some kid driving who looks like he hasn’t had his first erection yet and who care barely see over the steering wheel. Have we mentioned she’s 13? This means that A) The kid driving is 13 and driving illegally B) If A is true we can assume he stole his parent’s convertible or C) Rebecca black is allowed to hang out with 16 year old boys who have a license at 13 years old. Also did you catch the Mole in the car?

Either way if that was me my mom would be beating my ass for even thinking about getting into a car with a 13 year old driver, with a stolen car. Or if he’s of age I’d get beaten again for being in a car with a boy who had his license when I was 13. “What would a 16 year old boy want with a 13 year old?” Every 13 year old in the history of the world rolls their eyes at this moment and is convinced that their mom doesn’t know shit about their life while – newsflash - your mom is right, asshole.

The lyrics here are:

Kickin’ in the front seat

Sittin’ in the back seat

Gotta make my mind up

Which seat can I take?

As a first thought if that was my car I stole from my dad, if someone be kicking in the backseat I be taking my back hand to their face. Also, I’m pretty sure that convertible has the front seat full. The driver + passenger = 2 people. I’m not really sure what Rebecca has to make up her mind about, but I’m almost positive there’s nowhere for you to sit unless you want to sit on the stick shift, and if you do we’re not even getting into that discussion today. Get in the back, bitch!

So she’s sitting on the back seat on the freeway, where high velocity winds could pick her off like a cow in a tornado. Great idea! Now she specifies that it is 7:45, does this mean she skipped school altogether? My mom would ruin me. Or does this mean she got dropped off by the felon and picked up again to cruise around wasting gas at 124 cents a litre after school? It looks darker so I’m assuming she put in a hard day in gym class, recess, and art and needed an escape.

These are actually Rebecca Black’s friends in real life, which makes this video so much worse because both of the girls in the backseat have braces on. Maybe they’re out celebrating the fact Rebecca doesn’t have braces, and she can chew all the gum and eat all the apples she wants (in your face, orthodontist). At this point she says some bullshit that makes no sense and then proceeds to point out that her friend is by her right. She makes a big show of pointing to her friend on her right, who no offence to her, but she looks like a real bitch. Meanwhile, Shrek to her left is smiling away waiting for Rebecca to point to her and give her a shout out too, but I think maybe the producers didn’t want her to point out the friend on her left anymore than they already had too. I feel almost bad for her, how tall is she? She must be at least twice the size of the other one, and both of them can’t dance or jam worth shit.

Also her head isn't even in the frame because she's so tall, and they must have blown the budget on the convertible because her head isn't in focus the whole time. Great videotography! Did you see the full moon in the background, the friend on the left is going to change into a werewolf any second. I could go on all day.
So they pull up to this, what can only be described as a Grease car-bush party, where everyone I parking on the lawn of this house. This reference will be lost on most of you but we have a beach called Wasaga, and all the Italian gino’s take their supped up 1990 Honda Civic’s down and park them on the strip, while trying to mack on girls walking by. This reminds me of that, only less hair gel, and much more of a chance of these 13 year olds will walk away with tail.

Now they’re all hanging out in the front yard leaning on their cars like gangstas, and have you noticed that all the girls are dressed like they’re going to the Junos? Mad cocktail dresses up in this 13 year old house party. I don’t know how house parties are now, but when I was a kid (cue Professor Farnsworth’s voice) we wore a tshirt and jeans to house parties; anything that was easy to hide in our backpacks and sneak into the laundry before your mom noticed all the puke, Wisers, and tears on your outfit. You can’t sneak a party dress to the dry cleaners.

Also check out the footwear these kids are wearing! When I was 13 I didn’t even know how to walk in thong flip flops (no joke) never mind wear a pair of peep-toe stilettos. Also someone needs to tell this girl that wearing a dress that’s too tight for your body is one thing, but wearing granny panties that divulge your panty lines chiseled into your ass is never a fun party photo to put on your locker. Also if you can’t walk in heels, please don’t… wear them.

Here’s the bridge, again with the creepy Sketch version of Rebecca, eating your soul:

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday

Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)

We-we-we so excited

We so excited

We gonna have a ball today

(She might get a few balls from the 13 year old guys after this video, amirite?)

My English teacher would have a fucking FIT if you handing in these lyrics as viable sentences in a paragraph. She would repeatedly punch you in the face until you corrected “we so excited” with someone that didn’t sound like a 4 year old kid from the ghetto wrote it. Ok go get a piece of paper and a pen because this next part is important, you better write this shit down: Yesterday was Thursday, Today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards.

Now is the best part, a random black guy rapping on the highway adding so much street cred you won’t even know what to do with all of it. He looks as though he’s rapping like he’s supposed to have grillz on, or he’s eating some grapes. He explains he’s following Rebecca Black’s school bus, and in doing so Chris Hansen is about to appear kickin’ in the back seat any minute. “Why don’t you… have a seat?” “WHICH SEAT WILL I TAKE?!”

Then we have Rebecca standing on a stage or something like it’s a Simple Plan concert, with misunderstood 13 year olds who hate their parents getting rowdy. Cut to Rebecca trying to hit a note, which ends up sounding like my Corolla when I use the E-break to pull donuts in the parking lot at Best Buy. As a side note, she should not be wearing that much blue eye shadow, or any blue eye shadow. Who was the makeup artist, Mimi? (Drew Carrey Reference coming at you)

 Then as the song winds down there’s a shot of the black dude getting jiggy with it, while probably driving to this 13 year olds house party, because 13 year olds are the only ones who think he can rap.

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