14 May, 2011

Things I Still Don't Understand

Things I still don’t understand as a 25 year old

I am on the cusp of my 25th birthday, and I can’t help but look back at my previous birthdays and reminisce of the sweet nostalgia of orange Crush soda, outrageously lavish trips downtown (in more recent years), and laser tag themed parties.

I remember when a birthday was to be celebrated and not feared, with each student in your class getting giddy as they talked about your birthday party and what kind of snacks would be in your loot bag. As you grew, the parties were more based around alcohol and impressing boys with your uncanny ability to hold down your 3 blueberry coolers until you could safety navigate to a bathroom and throw up.

In your 20’s and during university your birthday was normally a spectacle: you shopped for the perfect birthday outfit, spent a month’s budget on shoes, accessories, maybe a hotel, and made a facebook group about where you were going for it. You went out for dinner and predrank all evening, most of the time too sloshed to even go out but you went anyway where you fought against your gag reflex and called every girl who painted on a smaller dress than you a bitch. You wanted to take your picture with the girls you met in the bathroom, dancing with guys who you later found out were super creepy, and paid crazy prices for beer downtown Toronto while trying not to get grabbed by more than 10 men.

As you get older things start to change and the way you look at things change with it. With some girls (and guys), this comes later in life if at all, but the ones who are maturing will notice that once you hit a certain age you are suddenly well aware of, well, that age. You know the exact time in your life that super tight, super short mini denim cut-off skirt was worn (hopefully for the last time), and you understand that although it got tons of guys flock to you, you shouldn’t be wearing it now. 18 fine – 25 no. If you have to pull a dress down all night to make sure it covers your ass or your front bits, you shouldn’t be wearing it. It’s a sad, sad day to realize these things but when you do, you know it’s time to say good bye to your sheer white halter top that let your boobs defy physics, or any sort of garment where you can see your bra underneath it.

I have put together the Top 5 list of things that at 25 I still don’t understand. And something tells me I’ll probably never understand.

1.      I have lived in my house for 20 years. When you open the garage door from my house to the garage, there are two buttons for the last two garage doors. I still, to this day, get confused at which button opens up the last door, and which button opens the middle door. 90% of the time I press the wrong button and will have to close it and try the other one. Then the next day I’ll purposely press the opposite button and find out – oh wait – that was the same button.

2.      Tim Horton’s Roll up the Rim to Win. Every time someone explains the “ratios” and how it works I still don’t understand. The signage says “1 in 3 cups is a winner!”, apparently in math terms this means not every 3 cups bought, every 3 cups MADE. Which I still don’t understand.

3.      I get on the train in the morning at the second stop – no one is on the train. The whole car is empty aside from maybe 3 of us. You sit down beside me, directly beside me, when no one else is around. This can also be applied to: Parking spots, the bus, etc. There is a whole parking lot empty and you park beside me. Why do you do that? Note: These people are normally “loud talkers”, “eaters”, or “annoying coughers/sneezers”.

4.      When you sit somewhere you are entitled to that space. If you are not using all of that space, someone else normally takes it. IE: Just because you don’t take up the WHOLE seat on the train/bus/TTC, someone else puts their bag beside you/has their ass encroach past te seat boundary line into yours/feels the need to stretch their legs into your seat so they can put they feet under you chair etc. Just because I am not using it, doesn’t mean you are allowed to usurp the space I am entitled to. I like a buffer, sometimes I’ll purposely leave space so I won’t have to feel someone else’s thighs rub against mine like they are trying to start a fire. I left a space there so I WOULDN’T have to do that, not so you can spread your ass all over the space.

5.      When people walk why they can’t just walk in a straight line. At the mall, walking down the road, anywhere, people walk and then randomly it’s like they gravitate to whichever way you were walking to get around them. It’s like you’re trapped on the sidewalk with a drunk person, or a row of people that form an unbreakable metal link, like some kind of ionic bond that whatever you do you cant not penetrate the line up they have, or get around them without walking on the road. Needless to say these people are never aware other people are behind them, and will almost purposely meander to cut you off as you are walking straight. DO YOU NOT HAVE PERIPHERAL VISION, ASS?

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